


Craving for feelings [coda 05x14]

by Legendary-Destiel (Legendary_Royalty)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5x14 coda, Broken Soul, Cas listens, Dean finds Cas attractive, Depressed Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Drunk Dean, Famine - Freeform, First Time, I need you, M/M, My Bloody Valentine - Freeform, and how it should've ended, cas takes care of him, dean is bi, empty Dean, horseman - Freeform, how to fill that void inside, how to satisfy the hunger?, my thoughts on this episode, so no gay panic here, this is how it started, when you don't know yet what you're really longing for?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 17:57:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20492912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendary_Royalty/pseuds/Legendary-Destiel
Summary: Dean is holding on to his bottle of whiskey and thinks about why he didn't feel any hunger just like everyone else in this town. Even Cas was affected. Could it have something to do with his soul? Maybe it is really broken. At least, the horseman said so. But then Dean realizes what he needs, no,whohe needs to get back on his feet and actually find his lost feelings once again. [Coda for 5x14 "My bloody valentine"]





	Craving for feelings [coda 05x14]

**Author's Note:**

> After I randomly rewatched some episodes, these thoughts for 5x14 ("My bloody valentine") came to my mind. Sometimes I forget, how broken the boys were back then. And Cas being so innocent sweet. The tension between Dean and Cas in those earlier episodes will forever be carved in my Destiel-heart. <3  
So - enjoy the read! And if you have some minutes, you know I'd love to hear what you think! Even if you just leave me a kudo, I'd be so grateful! ^^

**~* Craving for feelings *~  
**

...Or the moment when Dean Winchester said “I need you” for the first time. And really meant it.  
_[Coda for 5x14 "My bloody valentine"]_

* * *

The hunger that Dean felt, was of a different kind than the ordinary one that spread throughout the city. He didn’t long for food, nor alcohol, nor kisses and hot nights. Like he said to Cas earlier that day: He was well fed.

But then, Famine looked inside his soul and told him that he is broken. So tremendously broken, he could not even feel such primal instinct as hunger. He was too far gone. This conclusion hit him like a sledgehammer.

It was not that he didn’t wonder what was going on with him. During the case, he began to ask himself why he didn’t get cursed too. Honestly, he just waited for the spell to hit him. Even Cas was affected. Dean told himself, he was simply strong enough to withstand it. But then he saw Cas kneeling on the floor, uncontrolled feeding on raw meat in a disgusting way, and he had known it.

It wasn’t him being strong. It was, because he was too damn empty. And then the horseman – Famine – proved Dean's own theory with this little speech. He couldn’t feel _a thing_. Nothing could fill that void. The only thing he cared for, was the well-being of this little brother. This was all that matters. He got him out of there, got the ring from the horseman, broke the curse. Of course, Sam was really screwed now, after drinking all that demon blood, so they locked him in Bobby’s panic room.

So here he found himself, listening to his brother screaming, drowning in that bottle of whiskey and the damn tears were about to come up. Sammy wasn’t the only one who was screwed.

Cas was here too. This seemed to be the only relief.

But the angel was too far away. He was too… distracted. Usually too lost in his thoughts about humanity. Probably too busy with a thousand other heavenly things, Dean could imagine. Cas had some wise words up his sleeve, but he didn’t understand what Dean really needed.

Someone to hit the bottom of the bottle with him. And then another one, maybe. And then he needed someone to stroke his back, dry his tears while telling him that it’ll be alright. Someone who wasn’t helpless or just too afraid to venture to come closer.

He needed some air.

***

“_Please, help me_.” Dean begged toward heaven. If there even existed something like this. But a man could try, or not?

“What do you need, Dean?” He heard a familiar, low voice behind him. Cas.

He turned around and saw the angel facing him. His concerned expression was almost adorable.

“Cas… what are you doing out here?” Dean asked exhausted. He was tired of explaining something he doesn’t even know himself.

“You sounded like you need help. You explicitly asked for it.”

“Cas. Just let it be, okay? I’m just a broken soul.” He took a mouthful of whiskey. He began to feel slightly drunk. _Finally_.

Castiel stepped closer. “Says who?”

Dean’s voice was getting loud as he answered. “Says the freakin’ horseman, Cas. You were there. Of course, you were too… occupied with eating that shit…” He waved a hand and turned his face away from the angel.

“I’m… sorry, Dean. The hunger hit me so deep inside, I couldn’t resist. I thought I would die in the next second, if I didn’t eat.”

“Huh. That sounds like an awful feeling.”

“It was. Very strange, though, to suddenly feel such a hunger. I’ve never felt anything like this.”

Dean remained silent, leaned himself against the car and looked up to the stars.

“Do you really believe he was right?” Cas said after a short while, frowning. “The horseman? About that your soul is broken?”

Dean shrugged, then slowly, he nodded.

“Then let me tell you one thing, Dean Winchester. Your soul is perfectly intact. I rebuilt it myself, after raising you from hell.”

Dean wasn’t satisfied. “Nice and good, buddy. But why didn’t I feel any kind of hunger, Cas?”

“You said to me, that you’re feeling alright because you always just take the things you need.”

“Well, lately I have some doubts about this. Honestly…” Dean swallowed. This was all so weird.

While he thought about it, he had to admit that he had longed for the angel’s company for quite a long time now. And Cas always came when he called. Dean enjoyed being with him. He always had to smile about Cas’ puzzled face when it comes to something he does not understand completely. The imperturbable loyalty he radiated. He can’t lie to himself. He wanted Cas near him. And he mostly was. Maybe this was the reason he didn’t long for anything else. Because his heart’s deep, dark desire was already within his reach.

He gave the angel a side glance.

Yah. The guy was very good looking and Dean caught himself a bit too often, just gazing at him. It’s been a long time since he found a man that attractive. And when he needed a – well - hot night, the ladies were always there, and easy to grasp, just like ripe fruit. He emanated this thing, women seemed to like. It was getting too easy lately, tho. Too bromidic.

Another sip from the golden liquid. The bottle was almost empty now.

Huh. Did he just consider that Cas could be, maybe…

“Dean?” Cas’ voice pulled him out of his musings. “You seem to be very much lost in your thoughts, so I’m going to leave you alone now. Take good care of Sam and – “

“No. Wait.” He interrupted the angel. “Just don’t… don’t go. Please.” Dean grabbed Cas by his wrist.

Cas looked down to his wrist, then his eyes went up to meet with Dean’s. He slightly nodded. “I can certainly stay here if you want my company, Dean.”

“Yes, Cas, I’d like that… and, uh…”

_Oh, fuck it_. He felt so endlessly empty at the moment and he craved for the feeling of _actually feeling_ a damn thing, it almost hurt.

He needed… he needed Cas now so badly that his guts ached.

And then he felt it. His soul was not broken. It was whole. Because of Cas.

Dean was still holding on to Cas’ wrist. “I… Thank you for… putting my soul back together.” He whispered. His voice trembled. Was he nervous?

“You’re very welcome, Dean.”

Awkward silence. They looked into each other’s eyes and again, time stood still.

“What do you need, Dean?” Cas finally said calmly.

“You. I need you.”

Cas tilted his head, the questioning expression on his face remained. Dean raised Cas’ wrist and placed the angel’s palm directly on his chest. Right above his heart.

“I need you to help me feel something. Could you do that?”

Castiel felt Dean’s heartbeat through skin and bones and shirt. It was beating fast and strong. Enwinded by his soul. The extraordinary soul he saved.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Come with me.”

And then Dean guided the angel to the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Alight, that's it! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!  
Maybe there'll be a 2nd part sometime... ;)
> 
> If you wanna meet me on tumblr, I'm [Legendary-Destiel](https://legendary-destiel.tumblr.com/) there! :D


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